Shit, pare. I was with my friend outside the office talking about this girl nga with maraming utang. I mean, its payday and she will ask you for some money. Like what the fuck diba?! Eto pa, I was busy roaming around sa office, sipping my Very Berry Hibiscus from Starbucks. She made signal na she needs me so I made lapit. Guess what, pare. She took my drink and made inom from my straw. Fuck, pare! FROM MY STRAW! Its the most nakakadiri na event sa buhay ko, dude. Shit talaga! Her face is so makapal, I can feel it nga here! Ugh! That was a very stressful unfortunate event talaga she made sira my aura. Ugh. The nerve pa to ask for some money kasi she forgot daw her Debit Card.

Shit lang talaga.

She’s so kadiri to debt.

Dear Boss,

I’d like to make paalam na pala. But not now. Soon. I told you na naman before about my desish to make alis na to this sick company with all the jejemons and feeling sikat na shitizen. I told you na six months ago pa na I really want to make alis na this company. I’m okay naman talaga with the people I work with. Pero its YOU rin kasi, eh. You don’t care with your people talaga. I made payag na nga na you’re my boss even though we all know na I’m higher than you. Way higher than you.

Anyway, I’d like to add a few things lang pala. I’m okay na with my “super-baho-breath-office-mate-na-I-had-to-pretend-I-have-sipon-so-I-can-cover-my-nose-when-we’re-making-usap” colleague. I’m over na with his super baho breath eh. We made an agreement naman na he should email or SMS na lang all the things that he wanna make sabi sa akin. 

And this feeling-prinsesa-super-dark-naman-ng-armpit girl, I know how to deal with her na pala. I’ll wear na lang my shades sa office kahit na I work from PM to AM. I’ll pretend na lang na its maaraw inside the office - its for me na din naman to not notice her dark kili-kili.

I’m going to resign…but not now. I just want you to make basa this letter. And oh, THANK YOU. Now I know na how to make pakisama and how to deal with things without asking for help. My ideas are great, diba?

I’ll email na lang pala my medcert kasi I was absent for three days. Had inuman sesh with my Elite friends, eh. You know naman, I had too much to drink so my head was like masakit and all. I went naman to hospital and the doctor told me lang to make iwas na all the house parties and excessive booze and nicotine intake. The fuck, right?

I have to end this letter na here. Its kinda long na, I think its the longest resignation letter ever made. I can’t believe I’m making history. 

Cheers!

Seth S. Tupedé

Shit, pare. I’m like lasing nanaman. I went kasi to this house party with my friends and had fuckloads of alak eh. Shit talaga, pare I’m like nahihilo pa rin. Ugh. Add pa the pang-tamad weather. Major badtrip talaga.

I remember tuloy this tanginang moment with this epal na girl sa office I was talking about last week. She posted something sa facebook and its nakakahiya. Her post kasi was about flu vaccine and she said “it hurted“I was like super naawa and I really wanted to send her back to school. She’s so tanga talaga.

I mean, the nerve diba. Its okay naman to make mistake. But not naman to the point na its so basic na imamali mo pa. Makes me want to throw her sa giant blender. And holy horror her underarms, pare! Its so dark and full of stretchmarks. I mean, if stretchmarks lang talaga can make her mayaman, I bet she’s fucking billionaire na.

She has this technique pa na she will make sabay sayo to buy food and she will ask you to pay for her food first - then she won’t pay you back. Tangina lang, right? Another reason for me to know how to drive talaga a pison so I can make sagasa her and her ego.

Shit, pare. Its the pang-tamad weather nanaman. And im here lang sa kwarto, making gulong sa kama, as i cant make gala because of the tanginang weather.

I wonder what my dayukdukin neighbors are doing kaya. Having sex siguro. I mean, thats what they do diba if they’re out of things to do na. Thats the reason siguro why they are dumadami.

Sobrang bored ako, pare. Ah, well. Might as well inom some expensive alak my poor neighbors can’t afford para makatulog na lang din.

Cheers.

Shit, pare. I’m so asar na talaga to this feeling artista girl sa office eh she looks so ugly kaya even the retarded guy sa kanto wouldn’t like her. Like, she’s got all these stories na she’s mayaman and all, well in fact, she’s got so many utangs kaya. The audacity pa to make utang some money nung payday eh we’re not even that close. So kapal talaga and gaspang ng face, right? I want to make kuskos nga some sandpaper sa face nya eh.

She’s claiming pa na she’s milyonarya and that she lives sa hacienda. Eh, duh. She’s renting a small place lang naman somewhere. Everyone hates her nga eh and she doesn’t even know it. What a retarted-ass-biatch she is! Ugh! She’s like number one on my hate list!

She said she’s on a diet pa. Ugh. Months passed already and wala naman nangyari. She’s still fat and ugly. She’s so sipsip pa with all the bosses and everything as if she will get promoted with what she’s doing. My aura is so basag talaga because of her. 

I just don’t get it, pare. I mean, diba…why make some kwento na hindi naman totoo. I mean, does she think na people will like her with all her stupid lies? She’s so nakaka irita lang and she’s parang tanga.

I’m not being mean or anything pero I just can’t stand it na talaga eh. She’s so feeling close pa eh she’s not part of Elite Circle naman. Stab me to death, pare! Her perfumes naman are all fake - just like her life.

And you know whats so nakaka-asar about her? She’s not nagpapatalo! Like if you’re going to make kwento something (even if she is not part of your conversation), she will make extra talaga and will make baon your kwento because hers is better! Tangina lang, right? 

Makes me want to learn tuloy how to operate a bullet train so I can make sagasa her and her ego thats matches her maitim na underarm full of stretch marks! And she’s so baho pa even the langaws are afraid na to make dapo to her. Ugh!

Shit, pare. Grabe na talaga my schedule. Its been ages talaga since I last updated. Even though its sobrang tagal na, my kapitbahays are still the same - mahihirap and dayukdukin with their pambihirang made in china karaoke that matches their parang tangang broken plaka na voice. This update is not about my dayukdukin na neighbors. I just thought na its fun pala to blog about my experiences sa school. 

I remember dati. First year college. First day of school. I entered the classroom and did a little investigation. Shit, pare. I almost made suka sa nakita ko. So ugly my teacher sa Ethics! Holy horror, pare, pero its as if she’s natapunan ng muriatic acid sa face. I thought nga its zombie day na eh. And my classmates were so jologs too. Theres this one guy nga na super tahimik you can count talaga all the words na sinabi nya in a day. Its like he’s limited to say five words lang per sentence. Daym.

There’s this geeky douche bag shitty freak pa who wants to make sama palagi. Eh, duh, he’s so not qualified kaya. I mean, diba, I don’t want the masa people naman to think na I always have alalay with me. Its good for him din naman not to make sama sa akin eh. 

Then there’s this super arte feeling maganda na sing haba naman ng mango ang baba. Grabe talaga her kaartehan! Eh her face nga was punong puno ng pimples. I mean, there’s this golden rule diba. “Iayon ang kaartehan sa itsura.” The nerve!

Ugh. Na stress lang ako pag naaalala ko my jologs na prof and classmates. Anyway, I have to go. Need to meet pa my elite friends para mag shopping, dinner, massage and coffee. I’ll talk to you soon. Remember, “Iayon ang kaartehan sa itsura.” If you’re not naman kagandahan, kill yourself na lang or make pasagasa sa pison.

Shit, Pare! I had this tanginang nakaka-irita na moment on my way home from Megamall. I made sakay na sa bus because the van was super tagal and bagal its slower pa sa utak ng neighbors ko. Anyway, I was sitting sa dulo near the bintana and there’s this guy who made tabi. Fuck, pare but the bus was really maluwag naman. So what I did was I made siko his katawan for him to make layo naman from me. Pero fuck talaga, mga pare. His muka is so tigas like the face of my dayukduking neighbor. He didnt move a muscle talaga! 

I got irritated so I played na lang some music from my handset. When I was texting my friend, I can feel him looking at my phone talaga. I dunno if hes trying to make textmoso or he wants to make nakaw my phone. Trust me, he reminds me of my kapitbahay talaga. 

Anyway, I made lipat na lang ng upuan. That dude scared the shit out of me talaga, pare. Thats why I don’t want to make sakay talaga the public trans eh. You never know!

Anyway, I just got home. Tired and sleepy na. I’ll make kwento na lang some other time. Talk to you soon!

Shit, mga pare! Really sorry! Its been ages since I last made kwento. There are so many tanginang moments lang that happened to me. I want to share everything sana but my eyes are so tired na. 

Anyway, lets begin. Christine Reyes was in Nuvali pala filming something. Damn, pare. I know she’s hot and all pero this kwento isnt about her. Its the masa-people making abang sa labas just to see her. Holy macaroni! First time to make kita some celeb? God. That’s so nakakahiya.

I just made daan and didnt even bother to make siksik there since, well, erm you know naman how the masa people smell diba. Its different talaga. Like their pawis is made of rotten fish…so sayang naman my mamahaling perfume and these masa people will cover the smell of my expensive perfume. Thats how strong and powerful their smell kasi eh. 

I’m starting to think na talaga if I will resign since the masa people are making Nuvali the South’s version of Luneta. Imagine making latag some mumurahing banig sa grass and making tambay there? Fuck lang pare but its so pang masa and nakakahiya. They’re eating cheap snacks pa with matching pang mahirap na iced tea. They can buy naman Tea sa Starbucks or Serenitea diba?

Super stressed lang talaga with what I saw kaninang tanghali! It was raining pa. I wished nga na sana umulan ng super hard and like madala na sila ng flood. But that will make things worse lang. 

Like I said, I have so much to tell you, mga pare. Its just that I’m super pagod na and all.

Talk to you soon,

Seth.

Shit, Pare! Its been so tagal na pala since I last made kwento. Shit kasi my kapitbahays. I want to blame them talaga. I just found out na our wifi pala is abot sa bahay nila - and they’re connected to it! Holy horror, pare. I just can’t imagine how mahirap they are na they have to make pa-simple pa to make gamit our wifi! I’ll make sure na they won’t be able to connect na talaga. Shit them retards.

Anyway, I was up all night kagabi watching my kapitbahay kasi they’re like nag aaway. I can say naman na its quite entertaining. The mag-asawa were like nagbabatuhan ng plates and baso. I heard them pa nga making mura eh. Sad lang they didn’t make bato some knives to make it more dramatic, diba? And its for them to die na rin..at least my problems will be like mababawasan.

I think the story behind their away is nangbabae yata si mister. I can’t believe it lang kasi they’re both pangit and dayukdukin kaya..diba parang how on earth can he make kuha some babae with his mabahong breath and pangit na clothes and fake na perfume? Eh his asawa nga is like nabuntis lang kaya sila nagsama…well at least its quite entertaining and medyo dramatic. Better than watching The OC. 

Anyway, they are still magkaaway hanggang ngayon, I’ll try nga to take a snapshot and blur na lang their muka (as if it will make a difference, noh, eh the pimples covering their faces makes it hard to nga to recognize them) na lang. 

Fuck talaga pare. Here we go again. My tanginang-mahihirap-na-dayukduking neighbors are using their parang-tangang-made-in-china karaoke again with their pambihirang-sirang-plaka na voice. Stab me to death kasi my ears are bleeding na talaga. Eh I just got home from a wild party last night and popped some pills pa. My aura is nagbabaga na ngayon I want to make sunog na my poor neighbors.

I can’t sleep. I can feel my eyes closing na talaga but my kapitbahays are so maingay. Somebody please call 911. I’m like dying na already. I asked na nga our yaya to tell all our mahihirap na neighbors to stop singing na. Tangina lang talaga. Our stupid yaya naman is tuwang-tuwa sa neighbors namin.

Shit lang talaga, pare but my aura is sirang-sira na. There’s this mahirap na neighbor pa making ligaw to our yaya. I already told our yaya na nga to stop making landi with this prang-tanga na neighbor but I think she likes him na. Kadiri talaga. I mean, I know I’m not in the position to stop whatever they are feeling with each other but please lang, diba? If I will see my yaya making landi again to this guys I swear I’m gonna kill her talaga and throw her body sa mukang basura na house ng neighbor namin. This manliligaw na guy pa looks like someone from The Walking Dead series.

I mean, come on, pare. Hindi ba sya nahihiya sa looks nya? Dark skinned, magaspang na face, yellow na teeth - in which you can tell na his breath is super baho its enough na to kill someone. He wears the same shorts pa everyday. Eeeww lang diba? I don’t know ba about our yaya but I think she’s one of them na talaga! I swear I’m gonna make sumbong talaga. Somebody throw nga a grenade sa neighbors namin! I want them dead na talaga.

Dear Katutubong Haters,

Thank you…and fuck you. Stop making pilit yourselves na kasi to become mayaman like us. We all know naman na my dog’s food is mas mahal pa sa food nyo. And please, stop reading na lang this blog if you’re like pikon or tinatamaan and all. Its you who will suffer lang kasi eh. You make basa my blog, then you make comment like you’re super affected and shit. It shows lang talaga how bobonic you are like my kapitbahays. I suggest you go back na to the mountains where you originally came from and make tanim na some kamote. 

I’m like naaawa lang because you keep reading pa kasi this blog. Eh we all know naman na this blog is for people lang na part ng Elite Circle. Eh, you’re like part of puslit circle eh. What do you know about being mayaman? Nothing diba? Like I said nga before, you’re sobrang mahirap with your maliit and stinky bahay (sheez, I still don’t get it why you call it home) all the ipis and the daga made lipat na to another house. Your skin is super madungis and rough and mabaho even the langaws na are afraid to make dapo.

And please, hating me won’t make you famous. So shut the fuck up na lang and make inom some muriatic acid. Or you know what? Make talon na lang sa riles and make pasagasa sa MRT. No one will cry and make pansin naman if you die, diba? Yun lang.

Cheers :)

Shit, pare! Grabe talaga the food sa office. I didn’t bring my own baon kasi I was nagmamadali. I had this tanginang moment pa kasi I thought 4:00PM pasok ko…eh its 5:00PM pala. Tangina lang, right?

Anyway, I made kain nga pala the food sa pantry since I forgot to bring my own baon. I bought fried chicken and rice. I don’t know if its the food but after an hour lang, I made suka talaga. I went to the clinic and asked for some meds. The nurse gave me one naman but after another hour, I made another suka. 

Tangina talaga the food sa pantry my aura is sirang-sira na. I promise not to eat there na talaga. Somebody please contact DoH naman, oh. Mayayamans like us are suffering kasi…you know naman how sensitive my tummy is, diba.

I made suka five times pala. Right now I feel so hinang-hina talaga. The nurse wanted  to take me na nga sa hospital pero I refused kasi I just want to make uwi na talaga. Well, here I am na, sa room, writing this, feeling kinda okay na naman.

I wish lang talaga na pantry people should serve organic greens for us, mayayamans. Its unhealthy to eat rice and meat kasi everyday eh.